What A Month

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It never ceases to amaze me how much our paths will venture down roads of great test or fling us obstacles just when our minds think we have it all sorted. A true blessing perhaps, a disguised gem to measure our capacity of living in the moment and letting go of control at the highest extent.

After a very thought out decision to go ahead with some localised radiation to alleviate pain I have encountered a month of hardship, very much unexpected! It seems my physical situation has again flung me a disguised opportunity to completely embrace the present. Where getting by can only be done by undeniably relinquishing complete surrender to the wrath of my healing body. The past month I have been unable to walk due to side effects of my treatment. I have been forced to embrace these physical limitations and experience emotions, grieving and healing at a whole new level, deeper than ever before.

A profound awareness has been strengthened that this journey I am on, this journey of life that we are all on will flux as it needs to to allow our needs to be met. We have to be open to it all, open in our hearts and minds, open to the universe, open to faith over fear.

As humans we may have moments where all is too overwhelming and the ego takes charge with question but it is vital to acknowledge and express this and let it go. Observe it all with non-judgement and let it all go so as to enable the true gifts of the universe to unravel, to enable and allow the messages of your body to flow.

Take some time to slow down, to tune in, to consider what you take for granted. What is your body telling you? What is the world guiding you towards? What are you feeling? Express it! Don’t deny it! Look for the lessons in each hurdle, find a place for acceptance of what is and learn all you possibly can whilst you are here.

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Acceptance

 

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When I think about this journey and what I have learnt the greatest insight I have to share concerns acceptance.

So often in these physical lives we are concerned with eliminating what society perceives as “poor personal qualities”…”personal demons” if you will..I’m talking about traits we all possess, those emotions that often don’t get a voice, the feelings we hold down and try to hide. I know I have my fair share, we all do and at times they most certainly get the better of me, just like the next person I’m sure!

We all have attributes that we hold to some degree in a negative light. At times these facets control us in ways that we condemn and often in ways that our egos become afraid. We fear judgement against the possibility of ever loving ourselves completely for what we are, I mean come on is it possible to show ourselves to the world honestly? Well yes actually, I have learnt it is!

My journey with cancer..or perhaps as I feel it more truthfully described as my journey with letting go, my journey to full acceptance is making me question largely why it is that we look at these things with such dismay and dread? Why are we hard wired like this?

We judge ourselves as not being worthy or whole if we aren’t in theory “perfect.”

Perfection..A condition perhaps of an unruly mind. A mind that thrives to meet expectations, unrealistic standards that do nothing to serve our infinite essence. Why don’t we stop the chase of this ridiculous ideation? After all it’s mere insanity, just a mental power struggle invested in torment and pain.

What I see is that it isn’t about changing and shaping ourselves to be something we aren’t. It isn’t about always having a smile on your face, or having it together. It isn’t even about always putting your best foot forward. It is absurd to think we can always be a shining bright light for the world to be inspired by. It’s about feeling it all, the good the bad and the fucking ugly! Embracing the demons and enduring the lows so as to be able to walk hand in hand with the iridescent angels that shine from our souls. Angels that become brighter through the lessons.

Acceptance of ourselves in our entirety is the only way! Acceptance is where you will find your happiness, that is where we as humans can start to do our best work, where we can evolve to be all that we are capable of. Powerful beyond measure!

Take a moment to look at yourself, deeply and with intent, face your flaws, if even for just a second and give each and every one a tender hug. Recognise that your cracks allow room for you to grow your illuminous potential. Embrace, thank and dote your qualms in gratitude and let them be, without reacting! Because truly they are the foundations of the good in us all.

It all comes back to perception, there is a fine line between pleasure and pain and light can most certainly not dawn without the dark. So stop being afraid! Let it all go, let the light in, radiate it to the darkest corners of your soul and be thankful for all that you are, a unique and mighty being.

I promise you no matter whether it is a day of challenge or a day where you are soaring amongst the stars ACCEPTANCE is where it’s at!

The Journey Continues

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This week has seen new information brought to the forefront of my journey. As my last post stated I’m at a point on my path where I know I am gaining strength and vitality of health, I have however still been experiencing persistent pain. I feel the discomfort has been different to the initial bone pain I was diagnosed with but nonetheless challenging. On Tuesday with exhaustion from the continuous discomfort I made a decision to gain some extra management and admitted myself back to hospital for some greater relief.

Upon some scans yesterday I was made aware that I have some spinal compression due to metastasis and that is the origin of my stress. My decision to utilise some conventional medicine has not changed any of my beliefs of my self healing path it is purely to allow for some much needed rest mentally and physically with the possible inclusion of some orthodox modalities to broaden my healing and alleviate any unnecessary suffering.

I will consider my options thoroughly and see if anything offered by the neurosurgical team at Gold Coast hospital feels right for me. This is another test allowing me to grow and move forward with the opportunity to heal more deeply. I am not phased by the news I find only plants my feet more sturdy on the ground as I find courage bubbling in me to rise to any new challenge it presents.

I share this news not to worry anyone but to honestly update you all on my progress. I have unwavering faith in my healing journey and where I’m at largely confirms that at all times we must be open to anything, we must be unrestricted to the unimaginable and accepting of all opportunities to move forward as long as they feel right in our hearts. Always listen to guidance put forward by others but let your the light and inner wisdom teach you what is needed no matter the circumstance.

What Do You Choose?

Tomorrow morning will mark 365 days since the life changing diagnosis of cancer embellished my existence. July 9, 2013, I was a naive 22 year old sitting in a hospital bed surrounded by an eager team of doctors waiting to give me information that little did I realise would be the start of end of life as I had grown to know it.

What difference a year can make, how much can change, how mysteriously this world works. In the past 12months I have experienced more then most will endure in a lifetime. There have been moments of absolute clarity and peace but without question many more moments of indescribable suffering. The moments have been vast and testing and with absolute gratitude I can say I now wake to each day a better woman for all that has come my way. I would not dare change a thing!

Curiosity has me wonder what is it that has us walk the roads we do. Why is it some grace this earth encountering obstacles at every turn, whilst others sail smoothly across the waters facing little more then a few minor tide changes? The answer escapes me, but I do know from what I have endured is that whatever your path entails there is always choices. Choices in each moment of how your circumstances are met. Perception is a beautiful thing and in this physical life we always have conscious choices to make in terms of how we react and approach our state of affairs.

For 52 weeks and for the rest of my days I choose to see cancer as a blessing, I choose to embrace this journey for all that it is and for all that my body has to teach me. From the beginning I have chosen to look at cancers trials as opportunities for change, I have chosen to stand up to my demons and embrace them with warm tenderness. I have chosen with every breathe to live and amidst every tear fallen that the fight is well worth it. In my heart I have chosen to never ever doubt my ability to heal no matter how hard it gets and every day I continuously choose for this journey to shape me to be all that I came here to be.

This is my race and I choose the gold medal.

I am forever learning from this path and as I grow in experience I feel my body growing in strength, radiance and vitality. I know I am healing, one year on and I feel it deep down to my core. I now see the world with divergent eyes, I have awoken to appreciate life for what it is.

What my body has gone through is incomprehensible to my mind, statistically I probably shouldn’t be here but as I’ve said before I am the narrator of this story, the pen is in my hand and I am choosing to write an outcome of utter happiness.

When I look in the mirror a year on I am not ashamed to say I see an incredible presence staring back at me, I see my layers stripped back to my infinite essence, I see beauty that enraptures the universe, I see the depth of my adversities and the highs of my purity and most importantly I see love. I choose to love myself in gentle new ways, some days are easier then others but I know in every moment love is at my core, it is harboured within me, it surrounds me, I choose it for my religion.

When you catch your reflection what is it that you choose to see?

You always have a choice!

Endings Are Really New Beginnings

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Knowing pain I have felt truth, learning to survive against all odds I have taught myself to live, seeing doors close has allowed me to understand life is better when it’s not planned by the mind.

This week I have found myself letting go completely of for lack of a better phrase “the old me.” I have come to a place in my journey where I have shut the last door connecting me to my past. This process perhaps scary in the eyes of my old mind driven self is something I can now stand here in greater harmony and from my heart say is nothing short of liberating.

Sometimes in this life I have come to realise holding onto things that do not serve us occurs out of habit. It is nice to have aspirations and goals but don’t get so consumed in them that they hinder the life awaiting you. Everything I believe happens in the perfect timing, for reasons serving your higher good, even if its not obvious in the present moment. It’s possible to lose your connection of what is truth and what is not when you rely on what you have known in the past. Drop the expectations, live in the now and hold tightly to the beings that truly keep you close in your times of need.

Life is about learning lessons and growing to be all that you can be. Infinite love and joy are at our core and unexpected things good or bad should be embraced and viewed as blessings allowing new beginnings to enter your life.

Never judge the circumstances you are faced with or place blame on others involved, if you have given your all to something and things fail to work out that is more then ok, really that is life and they were never meant to be. Don’t be afraid of endings, clasp the memories gained, be so very thankful for the experience and move forward with new lessons lining your pocket and always, always believe that your best days are yet to be lived.

Giving Thanks

I’m approaching my one year cancer-versary, in a few wks I will reach this milestone, one to be very proud of, mostly though this benchmark has me reflecting on the journey I have been on. So much has taken place, my mind keeps racing to the people that I have encountered, the few I have lost, the friends, the family, the teachers that have truly made a difference and the loved ones that have carried me when I haven’t been strong enough to walk the road myself.

I have been reflecting on the moments of darkness and the moments of complete joy and love and everything big and small in between. The hurdles have been innumerable but always, always they have led to the development of infinite amounts of gratitude for life, gratitude that I would not have ever begun to understand prior to cancer.

I share my journey because I believe one does not need to suffer in the way I have to appreciate this life. One needs not to endure pain or life threatening illness to truly learn and value their uniqueness. My journey is one of great lessons and opportunities and I want you all to be a part of this so you can endeavour to heal your own lives as I heal mine.

Today I have had some time to myself, time that I truly cherish as it allows me to let go of any unnecessary bullshit going on and turn inwards. Time alone I believe is important for everyone, we should all take time, even just a few moments a day to drop everything and go slow, time to be at peace with ourselves & time to inspect our internal environments.

Upon introspection I can’t help but lose myself to feelings of overwhelming graciousness to the opportunities that continually arise for me to move forward. In perfect timing doors have been opening and teachers have been gracing my presence with invaluable knowledge, guidance, messages and chances to learn, grow and understand this all encompassing journey.

This week I am grateful for the numerous avenues that have arose that are adding to my health and vitality. I feel nothing short of blessed! Where ever you are at in your life, take a moment to stop and be grateful for something you have received this week. Gratitude is the quickest way to happiness and when you can acknowledge it and let go of the plans your mind has mapped out for your life then you truly can start fulfilling the destiny awaiting you.

Put your faith out into the universe and I promise you it will give back tenfold.

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L.O.V.E.

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In the week leading up to a family celebration of love and commitment, I find myself on this journey looking into the depths of the past four months and attempting to understand it a little more. Bordering on the 11month mark my ability to be here to reflect on such trial alone is a blessing knowing that the countless times this path has pushed me down I have managed to stand taller in response. Physically I’m at a point where I feel daily improvement, sometimes minuscule and to the skeptic perhaps unseeable, but nonetheless I know within myself I’m moving forward even if at a snail pace I’m not accustomed to.

My curiosity wonders what is it that keeps me going? Is it inner strength? Is it faith? Is it an ability to surrender to a path somewhat out of my control? Or is it something else entirely? Maybe it is a combination of things, hell I’m sure it is, but the one thing constant, never wavering in its presence that I keep coming back to is LOVE and by love I don’t mean the stigmatised type with labels and conditions that stems from the egos insecurities but more so the unconditional kind. That which screams I’m always here, I’m pure and I bring flowing joy and peace into whomever’s life I grace.

Through the trial of my journey I am able to share with you that unconditional love is the greatest gift to give. Really it is the only thing of importance, the only thing that keeps us going. When I have been in my darkest moments the only thing there to cling to has been unconditional love. Love of my family, love of my friends and as I’m learning the most important of all love of myself. In the hardest times it has been love that acknowledges yes things are tough but look deeper, feel that bubble of freedom around you. In those moments amidst the pain I have known truth, if even for just a second.

It seems my physical situation has somehow opened the way to knowing the true satisfaction that unconditional love can bring and to truly understanding how opposites support each other in such a way that one can not exist without the other.

To often people go through this life at such a pace that they barely skim the surface of what is real. Perhaps walking a ‘normal’ road doesn’t allow one the opportunity to build courage to go deep. I’m not sure my journey is far from ‘normal’ but please if you are reading this no matter what your path, take a moment to stop, to look around you, to delve deeper then the materialistic world you stand in and feel that tender touch of unconditional love that is present always, no matter the scenery. Allow it to showcase your blessings and be grateful for what you find.